


The Letter of the Law

by polynya



Category: Bleach
Genre: Abarai Renji Ace Attorney, Friendship, Gen, Jail, Minor Kuchiki Rukia/Abarai Renji, Paperwork, Post-Thousand Year Blood War Arc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-03
Updated: 2019-05-03
Packaged: 2020-02-16 14:49:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18693679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/polynya/pseuds/polynya
Summary: Uryuu has run afoul of the Soul Society criminal justice system. Fortunately, he has, uh, Renji.





	The Letter of the Law

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place immediately after 684. Presumes that Rukia and Renji got together sometime during the TYBW. Before works, too, if you prefer. (If that sort of thing piques your fancy, [I got you covered](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17806067).)
> 
> There's a scene right at the end, where, as I was writing it, I realized that I was just describing [one of my all-time favorite pieces of fanart](https://chameshida.tumblr.com/post/179793563527/chameshida-happy-birthday-to-the-nerd-of-your), by the very talented [Chameshida](https://chameshida.tumblr.com/). I hope this fic has managed to capture a tiny fraction of that energy.
> 
> Rated T for language, because Renji.

Other shinigami would surely be here any minute. The Onmitsukidou, trying to get Aizen back under wraps? Squad 12 maybe?

Renji sighed. There was no way around it.

"Hey, Ishida?"

The kid looked at him, exhaustion permeating his entire being.

"Believe me, I don't like this any more than you do, but, uh," Renji rubbed the back of his neck, "you're under arrest."

Ishida blinked. "Come again?"

Renji sighed again. "Under my authority as a Lieutenant of the Gotei-13, I am detaining you under the custody of the Sixth Division, Kuchiki Byakuya, Captain."

"You can arrest people?" Ichigo asked, incredulously. "Can Rukia arrest people?"

"Kurosaki!" Ishida protested.

"Of course I can arrest people, I was arrestin' Rukia the first time you met me, you moron!"

"Oh, right.” Ichigo remembered to get offended. “C'mon, Renji, it's Uryuu! Don't be an ass about this."

Renji shook his head, a warning. "I'm telling you guys, you absolutely need me to be an--"

"QUINCY SCUM, YOU ARE UNDER ARREST--"

So it was the Onmitsukidou, after all. There were about a thousand of them swarming Aizen, but they hadn't forgotten about Ishida, either.

Renji hefted himself to his feet. Time to get to work. "Too late, boys, I've already arrested him."

Two black-clad ninja looked at each other, and back to Renji. "But _we're_ supposed to arrest him."

Renji gave a big, genial shrug. "That's a pickle, now, isn't it?"

"What do you care, why not just give him to us?" one of the ninja suggested.

"Oh, we do things by the book over at the Sixth. Captain wouldn't like it if I just went around transferring prisoners without the proper paperwork. You can fill out a transfer request form, of course. You'll need your Captain or Vice-Captain to approve it, and then you can file it with the Sixth Division front office. I should warn you, though, we've been short-staffed lately, so we may not get to it right away."

"What. Is. Happening?" Ichigo murmured.

"Due process," Renji replied cheerfully. "Sorry, Uryuu, I'm gonna have to take you in. Don't worry, Ichigo, I won't let him outta my sight. I’m sure you’re gonna be real busy for the near future." Renji clapped Uryuu on the shoulder. "Don't you worry either. If anyone can utterly bog down the Gotei-13 legal process by fucking up paperwork... it's me."

 

* * *

 

"Here's a blanket," Renji said, shoving it between the bars. "And I brought you some books." He passed them through one at a time. "This one's historical fiction…this one's a literary novel that was real popular a few years ago...this one's non-fiction, about the history of zanjutsu...and here's some shitty vampire manga I keep around for when Rukia comes over. I didn't know what you liked, so I tried to bring over a bunch of different things."

"These are... _your_ books?"

Renji raised one eyebrow. "Whose else would they be?"

Ishida turned one of the books over his hand. They were cheaply printed paperbacks, the paper much rougher than you’d find in the Living World, the spines all utterly bent and creased to hell. "I, uh, didn't know they had popular books in Soul Society."

Renji narrowed his eyes. "You wouldn'ta guessed I read for fun, is what you mean."

Uryuu took a deep breath. "I assumed. I'm sorry." He turned over the historical novel curiously. "Looks like you’ve read this one a few times."

"That's my favorite book." Renji was thoughtful for a moment. “You got ‘Romance of the Three Kingdoms’ in the Living World, right? It’s a little like that.”

Uryuu raised both eyebrows. "I'll give it a try."

Renji shrugged. "I won't judge you if you read the vampire manga. Anything else I can get for ya? Tea? Playing cards? Get you some ink so you can work on your prison tats?"

"I'll, ah, pass. Um, is there a way to get someone's attention, if I need something?"

"Oh, I'm not leaving you alone down here."

Ishida blinked. “What?”

Renji leaned up against the bars of the cell. “You can trust any and all of the Squad 6 folks on duty down here, I hand-picked 'em. But Squad 2 and 12 are both after you, and they’re lying, tricky bastards, one and all.  That’s to say nothing of any of your old Quincy pals we might not’ve caught. Everything outside of this barracks is chaos right now, and I’m not about to get caught on my laurels, so I’m just gonna bring my paperwork down here and hang out with my ol’ buddy Uryuu until the rest of the captains get back.”

“You give all your prisoners this much personal attention?”

Renji shrugged. “Only the ones who don’t make fun of my eyebrows.”

 

* * *

 

Renji leaned back so his chair balanced on the back two legs. The back thunked against the bars of the holding cell. "The problem is," he drawled, "that Squad 3 has _also_ requested a prisoner transfer. And they got their paperwork in first."

The Squad 2 flunky clutched his approved Form PTR-0003-36A like a lifeline. "What do I do with this, then?"

"Oh, I'll take it," Renji offered, delicately plucking the crumpled form from the man's sweaty hands. "But since there's more than one request, it will require adjudication, which means I'll have to wait until my captain gets back."

"When will that be?" the Onmitsukidou squeaked.

"Hard to say," Renji shrugged, shaking his head. "As far as I know he's still in the Royal Realm, and I don't have any way to communicate with him directly."

"What if we got Squad 3 to retract their request?"

"Worth a try, I s'pose. I've already started processing it though, so they'll need to file a formal withdrawal, and they'll probably want to document that it was at the request of another squad, so made sure they attach a Schedule E. That’s ‘E’, like earwax, not ‘D’ like dead dodo."

The ninja slunk off, mumbling "E, not D" to himself.

"Or maybe it _was_ Schedule D,” Renji replied airily, scratching his head. “Or maybe even Schedule C.  Who can keep them all straight? Anyhoo, Squad 12 will probably have submitted one of these by the time he gets Kira to back off," he mused, glancing over the form. "Oh, they spelled your name wrong, too, that'll gum things up for sure."

"What does Squad 3 want with me?" Uryuu asked suspiciously, from the other side of the bars.

"Nothin'. I just asked Kira to fill one out. For funsies. You probably owe that guy a drink." Renji thought for a moment. "Actually, I'm not sure he'll be drinking anytime soon. But I bet he's in the market for a real classy lookin' cape, or maybe, like, a caftan? Is that the right word?"

“A flowy garment that a woman of a certain age wears for drinking wine?”

“Yeah, yeah!” Renji nodded. “‘Zactly. Matsumoto has one.”

"Hmmm," Uryuu frowned. “I’ll think about it.” He tried to get back into his book, but after reading the same paragraph three times, he closed it. "There's really no way to communicate with the Royal Realm? I was just wondering when everyone-- I mean, if Inoue and Sado--"

"I absolutely did not say that,” Renji clarified. “I said there's no way t'contact _my Captain directly_ , because that old fogey refuses to carry a spirit phone. If I wanna talk to him, I gotta call Rukia and get her to hand him _her_ phone. What a pain, am I right? Anyway, I talked to 'em all this morning. They'll be back in about two days, maybe sooner."

 

* * *

 

Renji banged his way into the 6th Division front offices. "What is all the commotion up here?" he hollered.

"Renji!" Orihime cried, her voice cracking with relief.

Renji stopped cold. It seemed very weird to see his human friends here, in his office, in the place where he spent most of his time reviewing mission reports and working out tactical exercises with Captain Kuchiki and mainlining too-strong tea in order to stay awake until quitting time. Much weirder than seeing Ishida down in his holding cell.

"That's Assistant Captain Abarai to you, " Third Seat Ohno snapped peevishly.

Renji rolled his eyes so hard it was practically audible.

“We’re here to see Ishida,” Chad demanded. “He’s our friend.”

"This is not the Coordinated Relief Station! We do not have _visiting hours_!" Ohno went on. He turned to Renji. "These ryouka want to see the prisoner, which, of course, is simply out of the question." As irritating as the guy was, Renji really had to hand it to ol’ Third Seat Ohno. He’d done an absolutely masterful job of gleefully kicking out all the secret police and mad scientists and generalized revenge seekers that had been mobbing the offices for days. The guy did not believe in exceptions. Which meant this was going to require some creativity.

"Yeeeeeahhh," Renji frowned. "We can't just let anyone go down there. Ishida's a dangerous criminal, you know, and a member of a widespread secret alliance and we got procedures to follow, and regulations stating the number of unauthorized personnel allowed in restricted areas…" As soon as he noticed Ohno close his eyes and start to nod along smugly, Renji started pointing to himself and miming punching himself in the face.

Chad might be soft-spoken, but he was not slow on the uptake. He pulled back his fist and slugged Renji in the jaw, at roughly 1/10 of his usual strength.

"That's assault of an officer!" Renji declared, trying to shake off the blow. 1/10 of a Chad punch was still an awful lot of punch.  "You're under arrest, I'm throwing you in the brig!"

Orihime was also not slow on the uptake, although she sometimes she got her exits confused and ended up on the wrong uptake. Her fist smashed into Ohno's nose at 100% of her full strength. "You'll never take me alive, coppers!" she yelled.

From the floor, Ohno whimpered.

"I will," Renji corrected her. "I will most definitely take you alive. I will take you down to the brig, where Uryuu is. Because you are also under arrest."

"Oh! Right!" Orihime cheerfully agreed.

"My noooose," wailed Ohno.

 

 

An hour later, Orihime and Chad departed Squad 6, released on their own recognizance.

 

* * *

 

"LIEUTENANT ABARAI!"

Renji's disheveled head poked out of Holding Cell B, blinking muzzily. His hair was a rat's nest, his jaw was blue with stubble, and his shihakushou looked distinctly _lived in_.

Captain Kuchiki swept in on a breeze of cherry blossoms and efficiency. His silks were spotless, his hair perfect. He looked like he had just returned from a relaxing vacation. His sister trailed behind him, a 4’9” echo of his own perfection.

"What have I told you about napping in the holding cells?"

Renji hopped to attention. "Welcome back, sir! And if it's more than three consecutive hours, it's not a nap, it's plain ol' sleepin', sir."

"That's some nonsense, Lieutenant," Lieutenant Kuchiki chided him, making a face that she had clearly appropriated from her elder sibling.

"Welcome back, to you, too, _Lieutenant_ ," Renji replied, unable, or perhaps unwilling to keep the joy off his face at seeing her again.

"Why are you down here?" Byakuya demanded.

"Got a person of interest here, sir, didn't want to leave him unguarded."

Byakuya regarded him with lidded eyes. "Yes, I have already heard quite a bit of angry complaining about your 'person of interest' from _multiple_ other captains."

"It's the paperwork, sir. It's a morass. But I want this done right, I refuse to rush. Crossin' every t, dottin' every i. That's the Squad 6 way, am I right?"

"Of course, Lieutenant. I know what a…stickler you are for these things."

"In fact, sir, I got in a request yesterday that I'd really like some of your expertise in processing. Bit complicated. Political."

Byakuya nodded. "Fine. Meet me upstairs in the office in ten minutes." He glanced sideways at Rukia, who was holding up one finger on her left hand and five on her right and mouthing the word “fifteen” hopefully. A strange, pained look crossed his face, as though he were trying to prevent some glaring new piece of information from actually making its way into his brain. Stubborn obliviousness appeared to win this round. "Make that fifteen minutes." He turned on his heel and glided out.

Rukia scowled at Renji, jerking her thumb toward Uryuu, who did not bother to look up from his book. "You given this idiot what for, yet?"

Renji shrugged. "Not really. I figured he’d get enough grief from everyone else. And he was with us in the end."

"I don't mean that! I mean worrying his friends, the jerk!"

"Rukia," Renji said gently, taking her hand in his. "Is this really how you want to spent the first fifteen minutes you’ve seen me in three days?"

Rukia stiffened, and her voice lowered to a whisper. "Did you tell him that we're…?" she pointed back and forth rapidly between the two of them, and jerked her head to the side twice meaningfully.

"Together?" Renji suggested. "The word is 'together.'"

"He wouldn't shut up about it," Uryuu added. "Congratulations." He turned a page. "Or condolences. One or the other."

Rukia made a face she usually made at Ichigo. "Thanks," she finally sputtered. Then she grabbed a fistful of Renji's kosode, and hauled him into Holding Cell B.

Uryuu turned another page. "Took you long enough."

 

* * *

 

"Glad to see everyone here with so much enthusiasm today," Captain-General Kyouraku said, clapping his hands. "The quicker we get started, the quicker we'll be done! Nanao, do you have my list?"

"There's been a request that item 7 be moved to the top of the agenda," Lieutenant Ise informed him as she passed over a sheet of paper.

His eyes skimmed it. "Well, that seems fine. I've received the approval to name Kuchiki Rukia as Acting Captain of the 13th Division. I know my good friend, Juushirou, had the utmost confidence in her, and I think it's a very appropriate appointment. Are there any objections?"

If there were, no one felt like a big enough jerk to voice them while the Captain-General was getting misty about his fallen companion.

"Wonderful! Congratulations, Kuchiki, please reach out to me if you need any assistance."

"Me," Nanao corrected. "Please reach out to me."

"Thank you, sir!" Rukia barked. "I will do my best!"

"Next...oh, dear. I guess we need to discuss the Ishida boy, who, apparently is in the custody of the Sixth Division?"

Captains Kurotsuchi and Soi Fon both started talking at once, and Captain Otoribashi started in once someone mentioned Squad 3. Captain Hitsugaya and Acting-Captain Kuchiki both had strong opinions on the matter. Then Captain Hirako started talking because he liked to talk while other people were talking.

"All of this is moot.” The room went quiet. Even though he wasn’t particularly loud, people tended to shut up when Captain Kuchiki bothered to say something. “We have received a request for the prisoner's extradition, on the grounds that he has a right to be tried in his realm of origin, by his own people."

"What?!" Kurotsuchi squawked. "We don't have any diplomatic relations with the Quincy."

"The Quincy of the World of the Living, to be exact. My lieutenant will explain," Byakuya could barely keep the boredom out of his voice. Not that he was trying.

"Uh, technically, we do,” Renji explained. “There's a binding legal entity between Division 13 and all officially appointed shinigami substitutes, of which there is currently one, who happens to be of Quincy heritage and domiciles in the World of the Living."

"Oh, no," Soi Fon groaned.

Renji went on, "And furthermore, there's precedent, namely the previous Captain-General releasing the body of Fullbringer Ginjou Kuugo into Kurosaki Ichigo's custody." Renji blew air out of his cheeks. He hated talking in captains’ meetings.

"So Kurosaki Ichigo has already filed his request?" the Captain-General asked, bumping his hat aside to scratch his head.

"It's already been processed, it just needs my signature," Rukia replied. "Now that I am officially Acting-Captain." She gave a dirty look to the captains of 2 and 12.

"Well, that all seems very neat and tidy," Kyourakou congratulated, amid the groans of his captains. "Great job, everyone. Thanks for taking care of that. Uh....this was the Quincy that was on our side, right? The nice boy with the glasses?"

 

* * *

 

“I should thank you,” Uryuu said quietly, as Renji led him through the shattered streets of the Seireitei.

“Eh, you woulda done the same for me.”

Uryuu was very quiet.

Renji looked at the boy out of the corner of his eye. “Look, man. Every time we go anywhere, you say you aren’t gonna help and you hate shinigami and we ain’t your friends, and the rest of us have learned to ignore you, because you always turn up when the shit hits.” He palmed Uryuu’s head and shook it playfully a few times. “You should learn to ignore you, too. I tell ya, you woulda done the same for me.”

Uryuu snorted. “Still. Thanks.” He gave a small smile. “I liked your book, by the way. Is there any way to get books back and forth from the World of the Living? I think I have one you might like.”

“Oh yeah?” Renji asked, raising an eyebrow. “Talk to Yadoumaru. I’ll give it a shot.”

Everyone was waiting in a neat line at the Senkaimon, when they crested the hill.

"Ya did it," Ichigo hollered on behalf of everyone. "You got yourself kicked outta Soul Society, just like you always wanted."

“Well,” Renji said, "I guess this is it for us." Then he twisted Uryuu into a headlock, and proceeded to noogie him to within an inch of his life. Everyone else watched, solemnly, while Uryuu squirmed and yelped. Finally, Renji let him free. "I release him into your custody, Acting-Captain Kuchiki."

"Thank you, Lieutenant Abarai." Rukia turned to her young friend, who was gripping his scalp and cowering. "I do not envy you. His knuckles are like friggin' boulders."

"Diamonds," Uryuu whimpered.

Then Rukia grabbed Ishida’s ear and _twisted_.

"Owowoeewoow!"

She hauled him a few yards away from the group, and pulled his ear down to the level of her mouth. "Listen up, nerd. I am not planning some Kuchiki-ass, high society wedding without your help, you buttface. You have until that dummy over there decides to propose in order to get back in the good graces of the Gotei-13, you hear me?"

Uryuu tried to escape her iron grip and failed. "That could be the rest of my natural lifetime."

"It could be,” she agreed. “Or it could be _tomorrow_. You know how he is. So get on it."

It struck Ishida that he _did_ know how Abarai was. And Kuchiki, as well. How had this happened? He blamed Kurosaki. He huffed. “Can’t you just go down to City Hall or whatever?”

Rukia looked hurt. “I didn’t say I didn’t _want_ a fancy wedding. I just said I wanted you to help me with it. And y’know. Be there.”

“Oh,” Uryuu replied. “Oh. I”ll, uh...I’ll do my best.”

Rukia smiled. “Thanks.” She dragged him back over to the others and shoved him in the general direction of Ichigo. "Here you go, Substitute Shinigami and Quincy Cultural Attache, he's your problem now."

"Thank you, Shorty McCaptainface," Ichigo proclaimed formally. "Ishida Uryuu, you have been tried by a jury of your peers (that’s us), and been found guilty of _being a crummy friend_. You have been sentenced to the following: You will come to the next three movie nights, even if it's Keigo's turn to pick the movie, and you will bring those weird little pink French cookies you made that one time!"

"They were macarons."

"You will answer your texts within 2 business days, even if it's just a smiley face!"

"You're the one who doesn't answer his texts for weeks on end."

"You will let us wear your cape for five minutes each while we make fun of you!"

Uryuu sighed.

"And you will promise to trust us and let us help you and not join our enemies in order to betray them without telling us first, you got it?!"

Uryuu sighed _louder_. "I promise."

"And!" Orihime added, "you will bring it in for a _group hug_!"

This had presumably been planned, because the three humans immediately tackled their friend in what looked like a well-practiced maneuver, with Orihime coming in from the back, Ichigo from the front, and Chad coming in last, enclosing everyone with his huge wingspan. Uryuu exhaled one final sigh of long-sufferance, the lament of a man cursed with excellent friends.

"Shinigami are not excused from this!" Chad rumbled, and suddenly, Rukia had wormed her way _into the middle_ , and Renji piled in opposite Chad.

"I promise I will be better," Uryuu from somewhere in the middle of all this.

"See that you do!" Ichigo shouted. "Also, I think you owe Renji, like, ten million yen in legal fees."

“I accept payment in little pink cookies!”

 

~ end

 

 


End file.
